Monthly Archives: May 2013

CDC Issues Warning After Fourth Man Dies From ‘Extreme Doodling’

SPOKANE, WA (Chafed News)–  The Center for Disease Control (CDC) has issued a warning against ‘extreme doodling‘ after a Spokane area man died earlier this week, making it the fourth death linked to ‘extreme doodling’ this year.  Spokesman for the CDC, Joseph Donnuci, says the practice of extreme doodling, while not new, has reached epidemic […]

Christian Right Condemns Heimlich Maneuver as “Faggy”

MONTGOMERY, TX (Chafed News)– The Conservative Right-Wing Christian Association for a Unified America (CRWCAUA), considered one of the largest right-wing Christian conservative organizations in the United States, sent a letter to its members warning them against “the evils” of giving and/or receiving the Heimlich maneuver.  The letter, which was cosponsored by several other right-wing conservative Christian […]

Child Slapped at Memorial Day BBQ Had it Coming

NEW HAVEN, CT (Chafed News)–  Six year old, Tyler Hubbard was slapped by his mother Tracy Hubbard while the two were attending the annual Memorial Day block party and BBQ held on South Cherry Street in North New Haven.  Onlookers say Tyler was being very disruptive and is said to have sassed his mother at […]

Baseball Player Falls Asleep During Game, Boredom to Blame

MIAMI, FL (Chafed News)–  Hugo Sandoval, center fielder for the Miami Marlins, fell asleep in the middle last night’s game at Marlin Park while the game was in play.  Sandoval apparently fell asleep during a pitching change in the sixth inning and was awoken by teammate, right fielder Emanuel Clay, who shook Sandoval awake after […]

City Elects Openly Retarded Woman to Office

HYSSOP COUNTY, MD (Chafed News)–  It was a contentious race from the beginning but after all the votes have been counted, Marcy Killinger, the first openly retarded woman to run for city council, has been declared the winner, receiving 53 percent of the vote. “I welcome it,” local businessman Jim Randle said after hearing the […]

Unemployed Man Abandons Unsuccessful YouTube Channel to Concentrate on Blogging, Wife Furious

LONG BEACH, CA (Chafed News)–  Joseph King, unemployed for over eighteen months, has announced he is taking an official hiatus from his YouTube channel, “Joseph King USA,” to concentrate fully on blogging.  “Hey, Joseph King USA was down right hilarious,” Mr. King declared when questioned about the announcement.  “The problem wasn’t that the videos I […]

POLL: Masturbation- America’s Favorite Recreational Activity For 237th Consecutive Year

SPRINGFIELD, MA (Chafed News)– A poll conducted by Squantum University finds masturbation to be America’s favorite recreational activity for the 237th consecutive year.  Since 1776, the annual poll has gauged America’s most popular recreational activities and to no one’s surprise, Americans prefer masturbation over all other activities of leisure, beating out overeating, television watching and […]