Christian Right Condemns Heimlich Maneuver as “Faggy”


MONTGOMERY, TX (Chafed News)– The Conservative Right-Wing Christian Association for a Unified America (CRWCAUA), considered one of the largest right-wing Christian conservative organizations in the United States, sent a letter to its members warning them against “the evils” of giving and/or receiving the Heimlich maneuver.  The letter, which was cosponsored by several other right-wing conservative Christian organizations, reads in part: “It is this organization’s belief that giving and/or receiving the Heimlich maneuver could result in stimulation of latent homosexual desires which could ultimately lead to full blown acts of homosexuality.”   The letter goes on to state: “There is overwhelming evidence that the Heimlich maneuver is the gayest of all lifesaving maneuvers; undoubtedly sent here by Satan himself, to turn good Christian men into homosexual sinners.”

During a phone interview, Pastor Charles Harvington of the Montgomery Christian Right Church of Jesus and acting chairman of the CRWCAUA, says the Heimlich maneuver is a ploy by the liberal left to spread homosexuality to the masses.  “Here’s the thing about the Heimlich maneuver all good Christians should know- it’s disgusting.  Sickos on the left who advocate the use of the Heimlich spend more damn time practicing the so-called maneuver than they do saving any damn lives.  They (advocates of the Heimlich maneuver) will tell you it’s a lifesaving tactic to be used in case of a choking emergency but that’s a bunch of hog-shit.”  Pastor Charles Harvinton went on to say, “Any time one man wraps his arms around another man from behind while his pelvis is firmly against that man’s backside, all-the-while pressing up against his abdomen and thrusting his genitals into that man’s buttocks over and over again; well hell, I’m sorry.  Call me old fashioned but that’s just gay in my book.”

National Heimlich Maneuver Council spokeswoman, Sarah Gelmann, characterizes the letter released by the CRWCAUA as offensive and misinformed.  “Of course we find the CRWCAUA’s letter offensive.  The Heimlich maneuver is simply an emergency technique for preventing suffocation when a person’s airway or windpipe becomes blocked by a piece of food or other object.  Case-closed.  End of story.”  Ms. Gelmann added:  “We here at the National Heimlich Maneuver Council recognize that the (Heimlich) maneuver can be icky at times, but our studies have shown time and time again that there is a less than two-percent likelihood of turning gay after giving or receiving the Heimlich (maneuver).”

Pastor Charles Harvington is not convinced by the National Heimlich Maneuver Council’s study.  “The study conducted by the National Heimlich Maneuver Council is completely biased and unreliable,” Pastor Havrington said when asked about the study.  “We’ve done studies of our own which suggest a fifteen to twenty percentage gay conversion rate after giving and/or receiving the Heimlich and that’s a percentage which we find unacceptable and we feel good Christians should be warned about the dangers surrounding this sinful activity.”  Pastor Harvington followed up by saying, “Listen, the Christian Right condemns the Heimlich maneuver and all other ‘faggy‘ acts- okay?  And we certainly consider the Heimlich maneuver as pretty damn faggy.”  When asked if he thought the letter and his comments were bigoted, Pastor Harvington responded by saying, “Hey, I’m just doin’ what the good Lord and the good book are telling me to do.  And if you consider the good Lord and the good book bigots, well then I guess you can consider me a bigot too.”


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One comment

  1. Amusing read! Hoping this is satire (and it seems to be). This is good because I won’t have to put forth the satirical reply that closed-minded zealots not resuscitating their friends may be a good form of closed-minded zealot population control. 🙂

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