CDC Issues Warning After Fourth Man Dies From ‘Extreme Doodling’

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SPOKANE, WA (Chafed News)–  The Center for Disease Control (CDC) has issued a warning against ‘extreme doodling‘ after a Spokane area man died earlier this week, making it the fourth death linked to ‘extreme doodling’ this year.  Spokesman for the CDC, Joseph Donnuci, says the practice of extreme doodling, while not new, has reached epidemic levels in recent years.  “Extreme doodling has been a problem in the United States for decades now, but hospitalizations and deaths related to extreme doodling have spiked in recent years and we urge the public to be cautious of doodles, doodlers, and doodling.”

For those unfamiliar, doodling is the age-old practice of unfocused, mindless drawings and scribbles made while a person’s attention is otherwise occupied.  Doodles are often composed of abstract shapes and meaningless, silly sketches, which are commonly done within the margins of school notebooks, scratch pieces of paper, and even on the back of junk-mail envelopes.  Extreme doodling occurs when the doodler consciously doodles for hours on end, forgoing food and sleep to complete their doodle.  Extreme doodling’s physiological effects on the human body is said to be similar to taking crystal meth and heroin at the same time and is purported to be twice as addictive.

Doctor Patricia Longhorn, Head of Pediatric Medicine at Spokane Memorial Hospital, and author of a new book entitled, “Doodle-Babies:  Yet Another Reason to be Scared of the Future,” says babies born to doodling parents is at an all-time high.  “Doodle-babies are being born at crisis levels,” Dr. Longhorn said during a recent interview.  “Doodle-babies (babies born to parents who themselves are doodlers) have a 85% likelihood of being born with congenital defects ranging from Squiggly Line Syndrome which effects one’s ability to draw a straight line, to Circularity Disease which causes those effected to incessantly draw circles.”  When asked how she’d compare doodle-babies to crack-babies, Dr. Longhorn said, “Well, first off, they’re uglier- much uglier.  Second off- they’re stupider.  I mean, doodle-babies make crack-babies look like brilliant little baby Einsteins- okay?  Really, doodle-babies are like, the worst kind of babies- ever.”

Keith Header, an admitted extreme doodling addict, says the CDC warning will not stop him from doodling.  “Yo, X-Doodling (common street name for extreme doodling) is the way I get by man and ain’t nothing and ain’t nobody gonna stop me from doin’ it- that’s a fo-sho!”  When asked if he thinks about the potential health risks of extreme doodling, Header said in part: “Yo, I been X-Doodlin’ since the fourth grade.  I know it’s dangerous, B.  Hell, I been hospitalized a few times.  Locked up a few times.  I know it could kill me, but I don’t care.  I just love doin’ it.  And I ain’t gonna stop, till I drop. Ya feel me?”

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One comment

  1. I don’t want to admit that for the first half of this article, I believed you. Just a little…

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