PR Firm Urges Michael Douglas to Shut the Fuck Up

English: Michael Douglas at the Cannes Film fe...

English: Michael Douglas at the Cannes Film festival (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

HOLLYWOOD, CA (Chafed News)– It has been a long few days since the world collectively vomited after hearing the news that famed Hollywood movie star Michael Douglas attributes his throat cancer to a nasty session of cunnilingus, and still the man best known for his rolls in numerous acclaimed films including Wall Street and Basic Instinct, can’t seem to shut up about it.  “I’ve become, I think in the last 24 hours, a sort of poster boy for oral cancer,” Douglas said in part when commenting on the revelation he made to the Guardian U.K.  “I’m not ashamed of what I said,” Douglas went on to say.  “I’m a ladies man.  And I love to lick puss.”  Douglas then added: “When you’ve licked as many (vaginas) as I have, well, you’re bound to cross paths with a bad one from time-to-time and needless to say, I crossed paths with a real doozy a few years back and I suffered the consequences, and frankly, I don’t find anything all that embarrassing about admitting it to the world.”  When asked if he had any suspicions as to who may have given him the Human Papillomavirus (HPV) which lead to the eventual throat cancer, Douglas said, “A gentleman never kisses, née, licks and tells, but let’s just say, she gave me throat cancer, and I gave her manic-depressive bipolar disorder- and I’d say we’re about even.  ‘Nough said.”

Georgy Stineman, of the PR firm, Stineman and Watchdesk, has been representing Douglas for the past few years, says he and his team want nothing more than for Douglas, to simply, “shut the fuck up.”  “We have been in crisis mode the last few days,” Stineman said when speaking to reporters outside of his Los Angeles area office.  “When Mike (Douglas), first hired us he had a pretty clean image.  Oh, sure his son is a convicted drug offender and his wife had her issues dealing with, quote un-quote, stress; but he was, by and large, pretty easy to deal with.  This revelation of his, oral-sex cancer, or whatever ya wanna call it, is really unsavory for most people and a real blow to his image.”  When asked what advice he has given his client, Stineman said, “Well, my first bit of advice was for Mike to stop licking bad puss.  It’s what’s in his best interest- health wise.  Our second bit of advice is for him to shut the fuck up.  It’s pretty clear that the sooner he stops talking about all the disgusting cunnilingus he’s been engaged in, the sooner the public will turn their attention back on Lindsay Lohan or that Amanda Bynes girl- whoever the hell she is.  Anyways, that’s our advice and I hope he takes it.”

Michael Douglas is currently starring as gay showman, Liberace, in an HBO original film titled, “Behind the Candelabra.”


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