SAN ANTONIO, TX (Chafed News)– Rick Perry, the longest-serving governor of Texas and an unsuccessful Republican presidential candidate in 2012, announced that he would not seek reelection in 2014. “The time has come to pass on the mantle of leadership,” Gov. Perry told a crowd of supporters. “Today I am announcing I will not seek re-election as governor of Texas.” Perry went on to say, “My journey has been an improbable one. Being as dumb as I am, I honestly never thought I’d amount to anything worth a damn much less become governor of the great state of Texas.” When asked about his future Perry stated in part: “I don’t know what the future holds. But, if I had to guess, I’ll probably just continue saying some very offensive stuff about the gays. And I’ll probably continue making stupid-ass comments about abortion. And every now and again, I’ll probably sprinkle in some things that may sound awfully racist. And I’ll probably be doin’ all that while eatin’ big ole plates of veal parmesan and shooting guns. Other than that, I dunno. Maybe I’ll run for president, or maybe I’ll just play Call of Duty for hours on end. Honestly, I have no clue.”
Gerald Housebin, a 62-year-old lifelong Texas resident and longtime Perry supporter says he’ll miss Governor Perry and his “Texas ways.” “Some people say Rick (Perry) is dumber than a box of rocks, but I disagree. I think Rick is much smarter than a box of rocks… much smarter.” When asked which accomplishment of Gov. Perry’s he most appreciated, Housebin said in part: “I’m not sure if Rick (Perry) had any accomplishments, technically speaking, but all that don’t really matter. Ya see, what I appreciate about Rick is the way he tells it how it is, how it should be, how it could be, how it ought to be, and how it ought not to be- all of which gave Rick a reputation for being a real asshole. Keep in mind, it ain’t easy being an asshole but Rick has done it with such style and grace, we Texans can’t help but be proud of him.”
Perry has eighteen months remaining in his final term as Governor of Texas.
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