Category NEWS

Protests Erupt after Pope Francis Declares he Won’t “Judge” Gays

Vatican City (Chafed News) – Protests erupted outside the walls of Vatican City after Pope Francis declared that he will not “judge” gays.  In a statement to reporters Pope Francis said in part: “If someone is gay and searches for the lord, who am I to judge?” The Pope’s declaration was met with confusion amongst […]

Anthony Weiner Claims His Penis is “Awesome”

NEW YORK CITY (Chafed News) – Anthony Weiner, who in 2011 resigned from the United States Congress in shame after it became known that he had sexted photos of his penis, has admitted that he continued sexting photos of his penis even after resigning from congress.  During a press conference to address the new sexting […]

The Zimmerman Jury: Insights Into the Minds of Idiots

George Zimmerman- the doughy, unlovable, dolt who  shot and killed the unarmed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin was somehow, someway found Not-Guilty by a jury of his peers and the world has be left wondering- How the fuck did that happen?  Shitty Florida laws combined with a jury ass deep in swampy backwoods anti-intellectualism seems like the […]

Gaffe Machine Gov. Rick Perry Won’t Continue Embarrassing Texas

SAN ANTONIO, TX (Chafed News)– Rick Perry, the longest-serving governor of Texas and an unsuccessful Republican presidential candidate in 2012, announced that he would not seek reelection in 2014.  “The time has come to pass on the mantle of leadership,” Gov. Perry told a crowd of supporters.  “Today I am announcing I will not seek […]

Egypt’s Morsi Out, Shitty Military Government In

CAIRO, EGYPT (Chafed News) –  After several days of protests across Egypt, the top military commander announced on television that the Egyptian President, Mohamed Morsi had “failed to meet the demands of the Egyptian people,” and thusly was removed from his position as president.  The news of Morsi’s removal was greeted with widespread celebration across […]

Why Marriage Equality Will Financially Ruin California’s Gay and Lesbian Community

SAN FRANCISCO (Chafed News) – The gay and lesbian community and they’re supporters across California celebrated the Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS) decision to turn away the case involving California’s same-sex ban, known as Proposition 8, affectively legalizing marriage for gay and lesbian couples in nation’s most populous state.  However, while most gay […]

Fight Breaks Out After Interviewer Laughs at Applicant’s Resume

PITTSBURGH, PA (Chafed News) – Police responded to a call from the offices of Aero-Dynamo Co. after a fight broke out during a job interview.  Witnesses say, John Dashpos was in the middle of interviewing Adam Taguser when the two men came to blows.  “I was sitting in my cube playing Minesweeper, like I usually do, […]