Protests Erupt after Pope Francis Declares he Won’t “Judge” Gays

Vatican City (Chafed News) – Protests erupted outside the walls of Vatican City after Pope Francis declared that he will not “judge” gays.  In a statement to reporters Pope Francis said in part: “If someone is gay and searches for the lord, who am I to judge?” The Pope’s declaration was met with confusion amongst […]

Paula Deen: “I Never Called Anyone an ‘N-Word’ Who Didn’t Deserve It”

SAVANNAH, GA (Chafed News) – Embroiled celebrity chef Paula Deen denies she ever told racial jokes, but she did acknowledge using the “N-word,” according to her deposition in a lawsuit.  Deen was deposed as a result of a lawsuit brought about by a former employee who is suing Deen and her brother for sexual and […]

Steven Spielberg Bums Out Film Students

LOS ANGELES, CA (Chafed News) – While speaking to students at the University of Southern California (USC), famed movie director Steven Spielberg predicted the “implosion” of the film industry.  Spielberg said many factors will lead to the inevitable implosion, including the financial failures of big budget movies and the rise of free internet video services […]

Syrian Army and Rebel Forces Engage in Temporary Ceasefire to Watch Tony Awards

DAMASCUS, SYRIA (Chafed News)– In a rare moment of peace in Syria, both rebel and Syrian government forces agreed to temporarily halt fighting to watch the 2013 Tony Awards.  “This agreement to stop fighting during the Tony Awards went off without a hitch,” said Nazir Farashi, acting cultural minister for the Syrian Rebel Alliance.  When asked […]

PR Firm Urges Michael Douglas to Shut the Fuck Up

HOLLYWOOD, CA (Chafed News)– It has been a long few days since the world collectively vomited after hearing the news that famed Hollywood movie star Michael Douglas attributes his throat cancer to a nasty session of cunnilingus, and still the man best known for his rolls in numerous acclaimed films including Wall Street and Basic Instinct, […]

As Nation Reels, Congress Holds Hearings on Shocking Game of Thrones Episode

WASHINGTON (Chafed News)– Congress wasted no time, calling forth “Game of Thrones,” creator George RR Martin and several main characters from the HBO hit series, to explain last night’s episode entitled “The Rains of Castamere,” which left many Americans traumatized. “Last night’s episode was like a kick straight to the balls,” said House Speaker John Boener […]