Tag Archives: News
Shitty Father’s Day Picture Reminds Man Why He Hates His Son
HUDSON COUNTY, NJ (Chafed News) – Speaking from the stoop of his front porch, Howard Robertson, a 42 year-old, lifelong Hudson County resident, told reporters that Father’s Day, while enjoyed by some, simply served as a reminder as to why he hates his “good-for-nothing” son. “I was looking forward to it. Really I was. After […]
Zimmerman Attorney on Jury Selection: “Harder than Expected to Find Really Ignorant People”
SANFORD, FL (Chafed News) – As the jury selection for the second-degree murder trial of George Zimmerman crawls along, attorneys on both sides look to quicken the pace and finalize the six jurors, plus four alternates, who will ultimately decide the fate of the Florida neighborhood watch volunteer accused of murdering teen Trayvon Martin. “Jury […]
Feds End Fight to Keep Age Restrictions on Plan B Sales, Teenage Sluts Rejoice
DENVER, CO (Chafed News) – The Obama administration announced it would not pursue an appeal against a federal judge’s ruling which will allow for the Plan B One-Step pill (AKA the morning after pill) to be sold over the counter, without a prescription and regardless of age. The news of the announcement reverberated in slut […]
Man Struck by Lightning After Calling the Virgin Mary a Cunt
LIMA, PERU (Chafed News)– A man in Peru was reportedly stuck by lighting just moments after allegedly calling the Virgin Mary, “a cunt.” The incident happened in the small village of Ayacucho located in southern Peru. Eye witnesses say the man, Piero Apaza, was drinking heavily at the time and shouting profanities at onlookers when he […]
Study Confirms Children Disgusting
MATTSBURY, OH (Chafed News)– A study conducted by University of Ohio at Mattsbury finds that children, regardless of how cute their parents think they are, are almost always disgusting. Professor Lisa Varnmar, head of child development research at Univ. of Ohio at Mattsbury says the study confirms beliefs already held by most of the general […]
PR Firm Urges Michael Douglas to Shut the Fuck Up
HOLLYWOOD, CA (Chafed News)– It has been a long few days since the world collectively vomited after hearing the news that famed Hollywood movie star Michael Douglas attributes his throat cancer to a nasty session of cunnilingus, and still the man best known for his rolls in numerous acclaimed films including Wall Street and Basic Instinct, […]
As Nation Reels, Congress Holds Hearings on Shocking Game of Thrones Episode
WASHINGTON (Chafed News)– Congress wasted no time, calling forth “Game of Thrones,” creator George RR Martin and several main characters from the HBO hit series, to explain last night’s episode entitled “The Rains of Castamere,” which left many Americans traumatized. “Last night’s episode was like a kick straight to the balls,” said House Speaker John Boener […]
CDC Issues Warning After Fourth Man Dies From ‘Extreme Doodling’
SPOKANE, WA (Chafed News)– The Center for Disease Control (CDC) has issued a warning against ‘extreme doodling‘ after a Spokane area man died earlier this week, making it the fourth death linked to ‘extreme doodling’ this year. Spokesman for the CDC, Joseph Donnuci, says the practice of extreme doodling, while not new, has reached epidemic […]
Christian Right Condemns Heimlich Maneuver as “Faggy”
MONTGOMERY, TX (Chafed News)– The Conservative Right-Wing Christian Association for a Unified America (CRWCAUA), considered one of the largest right-wing Christian conservative organizations in the United States, sent a letter to its members warning them against “the evils” of giving and/or receiving the Heimlich maneuver. The letter, which was cosponsored by several other right-wing conservative Christian […]
City Elects Openly Retarded Woman to Office
HYSSOP COUNTY, MD (Chafed News)– It was a contentious race from the beginning but after all the votes have been counted, Marcy Killinger, the first openly retarded woman to run for city council, has been declared the winner, receiving 53 percent of the vote. “I welcome it,” local businessman Jim Randle said after hearing the […]
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